17 June 2007
Major Pierre Charles L'Enfant
6 feet from the north line of Gen. Sheridan's lot
Arlington National Cemetery
Arlington, Virginia 22211
RE: Your Odious City Plan for Washington, DC
attn: Major L'Enfant:
The mere fact that I feel compelled to pen this missive incites me almost as much as your actual offense, and believe me, sir, when I tell you that my level of indignation is both uplifted and upraised. Your reckless and wasteful treatment of this, the capital of the United States of America, is the equivalent of treason. You were given the opportunity to create a grand symbol out of your city plan, and instead your gratuitous doodle has become a mar upon your record and the archetype for action without common sense.
In, it appears, an attempt to further my fury, you then entreated the legal system, of the government that your construction so effectively scorned mind you, to give you economic acclimation for your folly to the tune of 95,500 American dollars. Your actions show you to be the most vile of villains, and if you thought for a second that you would be able to suck off our state while secretly building a city so depraved in its planning that it could have easily been drawn up by a fourth-grader with a behavior disorder then you, sir, deserve no better than the poverty that was your succulent reward. Please do not consider your reputation secure in death; I simply will not stand for the hubris.
Condescendingly Yours,
/s/
Vincent Saint-Simon
June 16, 2007
Strongly-Worded Letter to Arnold Bread
16 June 2007
Consumer Relations Department
Arnold Bread
c/o George Weston Bakeries
P.O. Box 976
Horsham, PA 19044
800-984-0989
RE: Your Gratifying Bread and the Dissemination Thereof
Dear Gentleperson:
Over the course of the last few days I have found myself in the company of a loaf of bread provided by yourselves to satiate my hunger. It is a 15 Grain loaf, and I have a few words about it that require your undivided attention. Please continue to read.
Thank you. Over the course of my life I have exhausted no shortage of bread products and it is with a keen sense for taste that I now write in your defense. Your bread, far from cutting corners, delights in the amount of Grains it proudly proclaims on the label. Any rational human being could, if they weren't already jaded by the pitiful fare Sara Lee attempts to pass off as wheat, count the different grains in their mouths and still miss a few. That you have lowered yourself to providing the average American with such a product is a high testament to your nobility and mettle.
Unfortunately, you are not doing enough. There are still those who are being subjected to the gruel produced in the filthy, mold-infested industrial factories of Pepperidge Farms and their ilk. Those people, too, are citizens and they need your help. Your choice to market your bread only in certain regions instead of making it the sensation it was destined to be hurts both yourself and those who are begging for your mercy. Please immediately desist with any campaign you have in place to keep your bread out of groceries everywhere, and please do not hesitate to immediately and vociferously attack and destroy those manufacturers of artificially induced grain that flatter themselves with the title of your 'competition.' You are leading us out of the dark ages of grain, but I beg you to travel as swift as light.
Yours in Enchantment,
/s/
Vincent Saint-Simon
Consumer Relations Department
Arnold Bread
c/o George Weston Bakeries
P.O. Box 976
Horsham, PA 19044
800-984-0989
RE: Your Gratifying Bread and the Dissemination Thereof
Dear Gentleperson:
Over the course of the last few days I have found myself in the company of a loaf of bread provided by yourselves to satiate my hunger. It is a 15 Grain loaf, and I have a few words about it that require your undivided attention. Please continue to read.
Thank you. Over the course of my life I have exhausted no shortage of bread products and it is with a keen sense for taste that I now write in your defense. Your bread, far from cutting corners, delights in the amount of Grains it proudly proclaims on the label. Any rational human being could, if they weren't already jaded by the pitiful fare Sara Lee attempts to pass off as wheat, count the different grains in their mouths and still miss a few. That you have lowered yourself to providing the average American with such a product is a high testament to your nobility and mettle.
Unfortunately, you are not doing enough. There are still those who are being subjected to the gruel produced in the filthy, mold-infested industrial factories of Pepperidge Farms and their ilk. Those people, too, are citizens and they need your help. Your choice to market your bread only in certain regions instead of making it the sensation it was destined to be hurts both yourself and those who are begging for your mercy. Please immediately desist with any campaign you have in place to keep your bread out of groceries everywhere, and please do not hesitate to immediately and vociferously attack and destroy those manufacturers of artificially induced grain that flatter themselves with the title of your 'competition.' You are leading us out of the dark ages of grain, but I beg you to travel as swift as light.
Yours in Enchantment,
/s/
Vincent Saint-Simon
June 14, 2007
Strongly-Worded Letter to The Library of Congress
8 June 2007
The Library of Congress
101 Independence Ave, SE
Washington, DC 20540
RE: The State of Your Library, More Specifically Your High Capacity for Foolishness
Dear Sir, Madam, or Guerilla:
I had the distinct displeasure of touring your library in the recent past, and I was abashed to find that you have reached a state of complete disaster. I didn't think that it could take longer for a tax paying American citizen to get a library card than for a witless and constipated Giant Panda to arduously force out a fecal mixture of Bamboo and Pineapple while being made a spectacle of, but after having the opportunity to witness both, you have proven me wrong and, for your part, your inane performance was far more dissatisfying.
That you continued to assault my person with your rigorous and well-executed twaddle and triviality, both in your heinous bureaucratic rules and your disengaged staff, only solidifies for me your reputation as a place passionately against the dissemination of knowledge or the use of common sense. Waiting for three hours for six books while your lunkheads desperately try to remember how to count past ten is not an acceptable way to run a library. Getting a meager one book (of eight requested) after three hours of waiting, only to discover that your employees had brought the wrong book, is gross incompetence on your part.
Your conduct is of the worst sort and variety; I advise you to repair it at your earliest convenience.
Disappointedly Yours,
/s/
Vincent Saint-Simon
The Library of Congress
101 Independence Ave, SE
Washington, DC 20540
RE: The State of Your Library, More Specifically Your High Capacity for Foolishness
Dear Sir, Madam, or Guerilla:
I had the distinct displeasure of touring your library in the recent past, and I was abashed to find that you have reached a state of complete disaster. I didn't think that it could take longer for a tax paying American citizen to get a library card than for a witless and constipated Giant Panda to arduously force out a fecal mixture of Bamboo and Pineapple while being made a spectacle of, but after having the opportunity to witness both, you have proven me wrong and, for your part, your inane performance was far more dissatisfying.
That you continued to assault my person with your rigorous and well-executed twaddle and triviality, both in your heinous bureaucratic rules and your disengaged staff, only solidifies for me your reputation as a place passionately against the dissemination of knowledge or the use of common sense. Waiting for three hours for six books while your lunkheads desperately try to remember how to count past ten is not an acceptable way to run a library. Getting a meager one book (of eight requested) after three hours of waiting, only to discover that your employees had brought the wrong book, is gross incompetence on your part.
Your conduct is of the worst sort and variety; I advise you to repair it at your earliest convenience.
Disappointedly Yours,
/s/
Vincent Saint-Simon
Strongly-Worded Letter to the New Yorker
18 May 2007
The New Yorker
4 Times Square
New York, NY 10036
RE: The general state of The New Yorker, and more specifically its rudeness
To Whom it May Concern, But Mostly to the Senior Staff:
I make the very broad assumption here that you actually possess the ability to read, and if I am mistaken (as I probably am) then you'll have to forgive the oversight as one of your volunteer readers recites this missive to you. Please be aware that when he or she is sounding out the words it is not due to my intention, but rather it is the result of their complete lack of expertise. We're changing paragraphs. Please keep up as best you can.
It is not of my concern that the waste of paper you accidentally refer to as a magazine has abandoned any form of literary ingenuity. It is not of my concern that your poems are of a lower caliber than those written by the most vacuous of middle-school students and teachers, nor is it my concern that you have no constancy toward merit and that your only qualifications for getting published are that the self-proclaimed author must make you feel pretty and compliment your sister's new haircut (though in no way have you earned a compliment on your looks and your sister's haircut looks almost as bad as your cardboard-and-stickers website). It is also not of my concern that the only talent you appear to possess is the miraculous ability to maraud your own (formerly) good name. Those are all things that your staff will have to deal with when they finally change out of their diapers into big kid undies. The horizon and scope to which I remain consistently and diligently disappointed in you is the cavalier attitude that you are now extending from your prose to your coverage of the news, and to a certain organization in particular. If you were worth the time it takes to edit this letter, I would put something really scathing right here.
When this certain organization holds an event, New Yorker, you will, henceforth, make it a point to be in attendance. It is clear by your wan news coverage and, I might add, novice-level essays and op/eds that you have lost the ability to make rational decisions for yourself. If you can't somehow muster the minimal amount of dedication that it takes to put your flat rumps into seats and listen to what those that are far smarter than you have to say (even if you won't understand it), then you will no longer have the privilege of choice. While you hold meetings to discuss how your staff is going to tank your magazine today and every other day that they come to work, please don't hesitate to be ashamed of yourselves. You deserve a personal scolding from every single person who lives in New York. I'll settle for the knowledge that in another two years you will be a joke.
With Due Scorn,
/s/
Vincent Saint-Simon
The New Yorker
4 Times Square
New York, NY 10036
RE: The general state of The New Yorker, and more specifically its rudeness
To Whom it May Concern, But Mostly to the Senior Staff:
I make the very broad assumption here that you actually possess the ability to read, and if I am mistaken (as I probably am) then you'll have to forgive the oversight as one of your volunteer readers recites this missive to you. Please be aware that when he or she is sounding out the words it is not due to my intention, but rather it is the result of their complete lack of expertise. We're changing paragraphs. Please keep up as best you can.
It is not of my concern that the waste of paper you accidentally refer to as a magazine has abandoned any form of literary ingenuity. It is not of my concern that your poems are of a lower caliber than those written by the most vacuous of middle-school students and teachers, nor is it my concern that you have no constancy toward merit and that your only qualifications for getting published are that the self-proclaimed author must make you feel pretty and compliment your sister's new haircut (though in no way have you earned a compliment on your looks and your sister's haircut looks almost as bad as your cardboard-and-stickers website). It is also not of my concern that the only talent you appear to possess is the miraculous ability to maraud your own (formerly) good name. Those are all things that your staff will have to deal with when they finally change out of their diapers into big kid undies. The horizon and scope to which I remain consistently and diligently disappointed in you is the cavalier attitude that you are now extending from your prose to your coverage of the news, and to a certain organization in particular. If you were worth the time it takes to edit this letter, I would put something really scathing right here.
When this certain organization holds an event, New Yorker, you will, henceforth, make it a point to be in attendance. It is clear by your wan news coverage and, I might add, novice-level essays and op/eds that you have lost the ability to make rational decisions for yourself. If you can't somehow muster the minimal amount of dedication that it takes to put your flat rumps into seats and listen to what those that are far smarter than you have to say (even if you won't understand it), then you will no longer have the privilege of choice. While you hold meetings to discuss how your staff is going to tank your magazine today and every other day that they come to work, please don't hesitate to be ashamed of yourselves. You deserve a personal scolding from every single person who lives in New York. I'll settle for the knowledge that in another two years you will be a joke.
With Due Scorn,
/s/
Vincent Saint-Simon
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