Strongly-Worded Letter to the New Yorker

18 May 2007


The New Yorker
4 Times Square
New York, NY 10036


RE: The general state of The New Yorker, and more specifically its rudeness

To Whom it May Concern, But Mostly to the Senior Staff:

I make the very broad assumption here that you actually possess the ability to read, and if I am mistaken (as I probably am) then you'll have to forgive the oversight as one of your volunteer readers recites this missive to you. Please be aware that when he or she is sounding out the words it is not due to my intention, but rather it is the result of their complete lack of expertise. We're changing paragraphs. Please keep up as best you can.

It is not of my concern that the waste of paper you accidentally refer to as a magazine has abandoned any form of literary ingenuity. It is not of my concern that your poems are of a lower caliber than those written by the most vacuous of middle-school students and teachers, nor is it my concern that you have no constancy toward merit and that your only qualifications for getting published are that the self-proclaimed author must make you feel pretty and compliment your sister's new haircut (though in no way have you earned a compliment on your looks and your sister's haircut looks almost as bad as your cardboard-and-stickers website). It is also not of my concern that the only talent you appear to possess is the miraculous ability to maraud your own (formerly) good name. Those are all things that your staff will have to deal with when they finally change out of their diapers into big kid undies. The horizon and scope to which I remain consistently and diligently disappointed in you is the cavalier attitude that you are now extending from your prose to your coverage of the news, and to a certain organization in particular. If you were worth the time it takes to edit this letter, I would put something really scathing right here.

When this certain organization holds an event, New Yorker, you will, henceforth, make it a point to be in attendance. It is clear by your wan news coverage and, I might add, novice-level essays and op/eds that you have lost the ability to make rational decisions for yourself. If you can't somehow muster the minimal amount of dedication that it takes to put your flat rumps into seats and listen to what those that are far smarter than you have to say (even if you won't understand it), then you will no longer have the privilege of choice. While you hold meetings to discuss how your staff is going to tank your magazine today and every other day that they come to work, please don't hesitate to be ashamed of yourselves. You deserve a personal scolding from every single person who lives in New York. I'll settle for the knowledge that in another two years you will be a joke.

With Due Scorn,

/s/

Vincent Saint-Simon