November 12, 2007
RadioShack Corporation
Riverfront Campus World Headquarters
300 RadioShack Circle
Fort Worth, Texas 76102-1964
RE: Store 01-2498, Specifically Your Employee Named Ronald
Dear Computer or Auto-filtering Device,
I have often seen academics pen abstruse papers about the effects of late-capitalism on both goods and services. After hours of study I am now accustomed to reviews that have the benefit of being both accurate and unflattering. It is to those self-proclaimed scholars, however, that I commend your store, undivided from Ronald.
That I, in this day and age, can spend less than ten minutes of my fleeting time on earth walking into your place of business and purchasing a replacement for an importunate laptop cord is more than just exemplary--it is utterly breathtaking. In a world filled with clamant halfwits and self-satisfied sots, Ronald was, by contrast, both forthright and alert; both mindful of my time and unapologetically kind; both astonishingly well-informed and confoundingly humble.
It is not my place to comment on the disquieting and detestable lack of proficiency seen in the adolescents routinely hired by large corporations to act as their inapt ambassadors to the public. It is not my place to comment on the growing trend to automate all services so that those in search of help are forced to reckon with the cold, unthinking binary errors of a deficient programmer's refuse. It is my place to comment when I see those typical moulds broken instead of reinforced. In Ronald you have found your salvation--you will be receiving another letter if I find that he is being paid an incomplete amount for his especial efforts.
Skeptically yours,
/s/
Vincent Saint-Simon
November 23, 2007
November 13, 2007
Strongly-Worded Letter to The Wish Tank
Mr. Vincent St. Simon
**2 2nd ST **
Washington, D* 2****
Mr. St. Simon,
I write today to express my grave disappointment in the failure of the staff at The Wish Tank to produce timely work in a volume that might approach respectable. The most recent posting of August 9, 2007, was a pleasant read, but at this moment is more than three months stale. As a long-time donor, I expect that my funds are now being used for securing the services of cheap hookers, or perhaps the procurement of embarrassing amounts of crack-cocaine. In either case, our foundation does not provide grants of any amount for such purposes, and at this point is formally requesting an updated grant proposal outlining your action plan for aggressively pursuing a more mature publishing schedule. This is not, after all, The Onion. Failure to reply with the requested materials will result in an audit of your outlays and possible civil action against your person.
Sincerely yours,
/s/
Gregory T. Qualtheim
Founder, President, CEO, COO, CFO
The Qualtheim Foundation
**2 2nd ST **
Washington, D* 2****
Mr. St. Simon,
I write today to express my grave disappointment in the failure of the staff at The Wish Tank to produce timely work in a volume that might approach respectable. The most recent posting of August 9, 2007, was a pleasant read, but at this moment is more than three months stale. As a long-time donor, I expect that my funds are now being used for securing the services of cheap hookers, or perhaps the procurement of embarrassing amounts of crack-cocaine. In either case, our foundation does not provide grants of any amount for such purposes, and at this point is formally requesting an updated grant proposal outlining your action plan for aggressively pursuing a more mature publishing schedule. This is not, after all, The Onion. Failure to reply with the requested materials will result in an audit of your outlays and possible civil action against your person.
Sincerely yours,
/s/
Gregory T. Qualtheim
Founder, President, CEO, COO, CFO
The Qualtheim Foundation
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